I’m not sure how to title this…

I’ve debated for several hours on whether I’m presently in a state of mind fit for blogging. In the end, I decided that an honest treatment of my topic requires being real, so here goes…

I’d like to begin with a quote I used in my last post: ” The need to bond with others is a basic human need. The very definition of Asperger’s is to have trouble fulfilling that need. So why is it surprising that someone with these difficulties might fall into despair?” – Lynne Soraya (The Pain of Isolation: Asperger’s and Suicide)

I’d also like to add a quote from the Bible: ‎”Why is light given to him that is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hid treasures; who rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they find the grave?” – Job 3:20-22

I’m often told I need to learn to forgive and move on when I am hurt by others. I can forgive the man whose decision to run a stop sign left me with a paralyzed arm, but I’m left carrying the dead weight of my arm. Likewise, when I try to connect with others and I get hurt, the pain of loneliness remains. Asperger’s syndrome makes relationships difficult, so this happens often. I try to explain my hurt to others in hopes of finding understanding, but not to hold it against anyone. The truth is that I can get hurt and I can forgive until I get to where the pain is unbearable. At those times, I ask the same question of God that Job did. If my life is to be continuous pain, I don’t want to live it. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. There is a reason Lynne and others have written about the connection between Asperger’s syndrome and suicide.

The only reason I’m still alive is that I know the rest of Job’s story and I believe in a God that cares about me. Still, I have many days where I have to convince myself that I can take it for one more day.

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4 Comments

Filed under Depression

4 responses to “I’m not sure how to title this…

  1. Kristen

    I’m so very grateful that you do know the rest of Job’s story and you have held on to the promises God has given us. At the same time, it breaks my heart to see you in so much pain. I’ve seen God working in your life, but one thing remains, and that is tremendous pain. I pray you can find some peace, some day, some how.

  2. Gloria

    My friend I undersatand the depression. I have felt it myself when I was isolated because of my shyness causing an inability to connect. But I finally found a spouse and friends that help. I know you have Kris and I thank God for that. but I know you struggle with finding others who you can connect with. I would love to introduce you in person to my pirate friends. They are so accepting of everyone. And love each other as friends. I wish I was closer to you or you to me. I would love to help you in anyway I can here and I wish I was closer to help you in person. You are and always have been such a blessing to me in my life. I would love to be a blessing to you as well. Always know I love you my friend and I am proud of you.

  3. Lisa Monzon

    I think about suicide all the time. The thing is, I want to see how things turn out, so I stay. I have been on one medication or another for depression, for eight years – not one of them has worked. I feel a sense of relief in knowing what is “wrong” with me. I understand that most people will not be able to connect with me in any profound way, but I have a group of friends, the core group, who can. I have been terribly lonely for a large part of my life; I’ve felt alien and isolated, but now I know that I belong to an amazing community of people, creative, intelligent and strong. Some days, I still wish that I would die, but it’s less and less frequent, and I know I have a tribe.

  4. Katie Fox

    Being a neurotypical (although I do not like “labels”) who has always been able to separate from the world, it saddens me to see all of the hurt that you have been through and continue to encounter on a daily basis! I thank you for your friendship and for teaching me how to be more empathetic and understanding of those who aren’t able to just dismiss things like I am. I am so blessed to have you in my life and to be able to call you my friend! I will forever be your cheerleader! 🙂

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