I’ve debated for several hours on whether I’m presently in a state of mind fit for blogging. In the end, I decided that an honest treatment of my topic requires being real, so here goes…
I’d like to begin with a quote I used in my last post: ” The need to bond with others is a basic human need. The very definition of Asperger’s is to have trouble fulfilling that need. So why is it surprising that someone with these difficulties might fall into despair?” – Lynne Soraya (The Pain of Isolation: Asperger’s and Suicide)
I’d also like to add a quote from the Bible: ”Why is light given to him that is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul, who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hid treasures; who rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they find the grave?” – Job 3:20-22
I’m often told I need to learn to forgive and move on when I am hurt by others. I can forgive the man whose decision to run a stop sign left me with a paralyzed arm, but I’m left carrying the dead weight of my arm. Likewise, when I try to connect with others and I get hurt, the pain of loneliness remains. Asperger’s syndrome makes relationships difficult, so this happens often. I try to explain my hurt to others in hopes of finding understanding, but not to hold it against anyone. The truth is that I can get hurt and I can forgive until I get to where the pain is unbearable. At those times, I ask the same question of God that Job did. If my life is to be continuous pain, I don’t want to live it. I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. There is a reason Lynne and others have written about the connection between Asperger’s syndrome and suicide.
The only reason I’m still alive is that I know the rest of Job’s story and I believe in a God that cares about me. Still, I have many days where I have to convince myself that I can take it for one more day.